Questions and Answers

When we ask God (the creator, the maker, Allah, etc) a question, we are not looking for an answer specifically. We are looking for confirmation of the answer that we came up with all on our own.

Think again....

A subject that comes up typically when wronged by a person in some way, either in word or deed. That subject, of course, is forgiveness, or letting it go. I have, as some know, been wronged by numerous people to a greater or lesser extent depending, from family to friends to significant others. I have heard it said from time to time that forgiveness is a sign of weakness, of sentimentality, that the way to be is to strike back. To "screw them back" or "screw them before they can screw you" has never been a philosophy of mine, though "eye for an eye" does have its appeal sometimes.

Being a forgiving sort of person....well, depending, I have been accused of being weak, or being a sap, or a fool. That may be the case, but it seems to me that giving everyone that's ever done me wrong the finger is the easy way out. Since I'm all about the hard choices, the tough road, the uneven path, that's a bit too simple for me. Or maybe I'm a glutton for punishment; I've heard that too rather recently lol.

But...easy it is to be angry, to wreak vengeance for wrongs committed against me, to....avenge my heart and life. But...that's the easy road, the simple one. Many things my life has been...strange, blessed, charmed, cursed. "Easy" is not one of those, sometimes unfortunately. It is the hard choices that make us, the difficult road that is the most rewarding in the end, someday Karmic Debt comes due, after all lol. Maybe with this particular philosophical argument with a very, very old friend he won after all...

So...to those that have abused it, or think that my forgiveness is a sign of weakness, or 'asking for it", hear this. Forgiveness is the hardest thing you can do to someone that's done you wrong, it does not make me weaker than you, but infinitely stronger. You are the weak ones, falling prey to anger, spite, and bitterness over wrongs; imagined or otherwise.

Vitas Alienus

It is singularly amazing sometimes the coincidences and conveniences that life throws at us, especially when we are least expecting such things. That one thing that you may have had the became something from nightmare may just have a mirror edge on the other side...through the looking glass, indeed. Personally, I have never really led what most term a "normal" life, though I have done some "normal" things...went to college, learned a few things, worked, paid bills, even tried to buy a house once not too long ago. But...never pretended to live in the same "world" as most, nor will I ever. Those that know me, do see this...I do live in a world that is infinity more complex, rewarding, and frightening than most scarce believe outside of movies or a good book. Not discussing fully certain beliefs or experiences, just suffice to say that "there is more to the world than just your philosophy".

Even then...with all I've seen, done, heard, and been through I still remain amazed and surprised at the quirks and happenstances of life...even mine. To be fair, I have been somewhat of a vagabond, traveling up and down the eastern seaboard of these United States, including a few other places...Kentucky, Georgia, Texas, South Carolina, and elsewhere... Do I go because I want to? Sometimes, sure. More likely that I feel drawn, or pulled to certain locations at certain times, or something happens that makes such a relocation necessary, such as a job offer in Delaware making 35+k/year, for instance.

Currently, it seems that things are in somewhat of a transient state, ending what WAS and the start of what IS, or will be. Granted, that's the way of things for most, from a philosophical standpoint, but...hard to explain, even harder for someone to believe, but it feels to be somewhat...more, something...better.

Not getting into too many details, but...damn....just damn. Like a mirror's edge as I stated earlier... I'll leave you with this...if you turn around the corner, and stare fully in the eyes the rest of your life, and get a sense as to what kind of life that's going to be, bear this advice in mind:

Buckle up, sit back, enjoy the ride, pop that damn red pill, and don't fuck it up! I fully intend to follow it, myself...

Advice from the grave...

Nickleback - "If today was your last day"

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?
____________________________

I had planned to write a blog on the subject of "Hope", a topic never far from my thoughts of late, but finding the song above, it reminded me of a post that I had written some weeks ago, but removed due to some personal information regarding Yours Truly that I still have some trouble sorting out most days, but I feel that maybe the ideas should be shared after all, and the song does pose more than a few good questions on the subject.

So, with that being said, I'll skip straight to the punchline like I have the tendency to do at times. I am a dead man, there is no mistake. I walk, I talk, I breathe, and occasionally I unshackle the chains that tie me to my desk and go somewhere. Because, my friends, I died a little over two years ago on an operating room table at Central Carolina Community Hospital in Sanford, NC during surgery following a car accident that also claimed the life of my maternal grandmother. Cause of death: Trauma and Exsanguination (bled to death).

Now that I have freaked you out just a little with that statement, obviously I was resuscitated, given a full body transfusion and two weeks worth of antibiotics, painkillers, and muscle relaxers. Enough to make a few stoners feel GREAT for a month of two...lol. I still have aches, pains, and complications from the accident and the surgery itself, but since I have the pain tolerance usually heard about in stories told by a "friend of a friend", I cope alright most days.

So...when the subject of living everyday like it's going to be your last comes up, sure I may seem lighthearted about it, crack a witty joke, or some such; but trust me...I am being deadly serious. Couldn't be more serious, matter of fact. So...take it from me: you don't want to approach that moment, that day with things left open...unfinished business, if you will. Or regrets; we all have them, but it's what we do about them that can make all the difference in the world.

So, the question again. If today was your last day, what would you do? Would you call everyone you love and say so, if just for the few seconds it takes to say it? Would you call a friend and say thanks for putting up with you? Would you look up that person you treated not so well in high school and buy them a beer? Look up an ex and wish them the best? Or would you do what you do everyday? If you're single, and you knew where your soul mate was...no matter where...would you go after them, just to spend that last day in their arms? Or just sit there, at your computer reading this, and think about it? Or just say: "Oh well, that's life"?

Believe me...it will happen. Maybe not today, tomorrow, next week, or even this year. But one day, you're going to die, we all are; all sarcasms aside. Instead of burdening us, this fact should free us! Understand something, I felt it; that feeling that we've all seen in the faces and heard in the voices of dying relatives...that feeling of going home, and that's ok to let go. I know it very well, and still remember what it felt like. Having been there, I know that dying is not something to be scared of, really. It's what we leave behind that does...but that lack of fear helps me to be honest about some things, to deal with those I love in a way that I was never able to before. Cause guess what? THEY may go before you do, and if they do, what then? Are you going to regret that argument with your best friend for the next ten, twenty years, or will you make amends before it's too late? But in releasing that fear, we are able to understand the time ahead of us, and what we can do with it.

I really don't want to drag this out long, so I'll leave it with just a simple thing. Live everyday of the rest of your life as though it was your last. One day...it will be. To my friends and family, I love ya...thanks. To any enemies reading this...ya well, you're not worth it, but I forgive you anyway.
Take care, live your life to its fullest, if you're with someone, give them a hug for the hell of it. If you're single, do the same...just don't get arrested for doing it!

Immutable Law of the Universe.

From wikipedia:

The Rule of Three (also Three-fold Law or Law of Return) is a religious tenet held by some Wiccans. It states that whatever energy a person puts out into the world, be it positive or negative, will be returned to that person three times. Some subscribe to a variant of this law in which return is not necessarily threefold.^[1][2]

According to John Coughlin the Law posits "a literal reward or punishment tied to one's actions, particularly when it comes to working magic".^[3] The law is not a universal article of faith among Wiccans, and "there are many Wiccans, experienced and new alike, who view the Law of Return as an over-elaboration on the Wiccan Rede."^[3] Some Wiccans believe that it is a modern innovation based on Christian morality.^[4][5]

The Rule of Three has been compared by Karl Lembke to other ethics of reciprocity, such as the concept of karma in Dharmic religions and the Christian edict, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" (Matthew 7:12), also called the "Golden Rule."

The Rule of Three has a possible prototype in a piece of Wiccan liturgy which first appeared in print in Gerald Gardner's 1949 novel High Magic's Aid:^[6][7]

'Thou hast obeyed the Law. But mark well, when thou receivest good, so equally art bound to return good threefold.' (For this is the joke in witchcraft, the witch knows, though the initiate does not, that she will get three times what she gave, so she does not strike hard.)

_________________________

As seen above, wikipedia states the first emergence of the Law is in 1968, whereas in reality it has been around for quite sometime and is filtered through more religions/faiths than simply the wiccan or pagan traditions. Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, and Islam all have the same theory applied with regards to how one acts, or treats his/her fellow man. Basically..."you get what you put in" or "what goes around, comes around" or...."The Golden Rule!". In light of certain events, I am reminded by this very simple rule/philosophy to live by. Not so much as a reward mind you, but where it applies to Chaos Theory. If I pass on kindness to someone else, they may add to it, and pass it along. Then that person sends it to another, so on and so on. You virologists out there may dig that idea, actually lol.

At the same time though, it is not our responsibility to make this happen. In other words, if someone did a wrong to me, it does not excuse me to do the same in return. Nor is it a "turn the other cheek" thing, either. Do me wrong, and that's that. You shall not get another opportunity; one person has just about used up a lifetime of forgivenes already lol. Or, to be more specfic, when confronted about adultery, someone used to tell me that I could do it in return. My response: "Just because you did, it doesn't mean I have the right to do the same." Law of three in action, get it?

;)

Nikki Sixx is a wise man....

"Life is Beautiful"....definitely. If you haven't heard the song, you really should, it references things that we can all understand, no matter where you're from, what walk of life, etc. "You can never really live until you die" is a good metaphor for the old saying "You never know what you have until it's gone." Now, I'm not saying that that's personally how I'm feeling, but more that straight up: Life is Beautiful.

After months of hard work, patience, and an entire legion of phone calls, my design business is taking off; skyrocketing even. Hell, I'm so busy, I haven't had the chance to finish my own website/portfolio! I have four clients, one of which keeps me pretty much busy with designs for posters, flyers, business cards, and a couple websites. "Made" is a good term for how I'm starting to be professionally and financially, though I still have some catch up to do. My initial plan for the year AND my altered plan are both becoming a reality, which is good because plans have had the tendency to fall apart the last few years, but hey...that's life.

This is gonna be a real good month for yours truly, and may see me doing things that I've been wanting to do for quite some time, actually. I may start seriously writing again, and who knows what might happen there. A trip to the beach may be coming soon, provided I have the time! My bro comes back from Iraq next month, so there's gonna be much beer consumed after he...well...he's married, get it? I'll have to wait a few days so he can walk again ;)

Thanks to a friend, I've actually given some thought about returning to the dojo, though with my physical state the way it is, it'll probably be in a strictly assistant teaching role, more than likely. Hell, I may actually summon the nerve to date, though I've always hated the "dating game", namely...the games people play when trying to find someone lol. But then...I may actually find someone that knows what the term "dime between the knees" actually means! Low blow there, but oh well. Personally, I'm in no hurry...being in a hurry has a tendency to get one in trouble. I'm fine with being alone, always have been, to be honest. I have friends to talk to, hang out with, books to read, yada yada.

In short...Life is beautiful. Thanks to certain people, really. I'd have never noticed just how sweet things can be if you hadn't done what you did. So...honestly. Thanks, you've given me a great opportunity to be successful and be able to enjoy it. ;)

SnV

The worst sin is betrayal.
The holiest virtue is forgiveness.

Semper Protinus

Always forward. Never Back. To learn this lesson is a hard one, to discover that the lesson was originally one to have learned some time ago, and it's repercussions felt and suffered by someone else. But, I seem to be rather hard headed and stubborn about things, so the repercussions landed squarely on my shoulders. Its price paid by yours truly, instead of the next sap that came along.

For, as my belief goes, what is meant to be will. And there's not a single action, thought, or speech that can make it otherwise. You could maybe put it off briefly, but that's that. If you're meant to win the lottery, and your car breaks down, someone's going to slip that ticket in a birthday card, for instance. Of course I'm talking about the broad strokes here, not specifics; for where would the fun be?
Having a job and being alone does not, for example, mean having a great job and plenty of money. It's the technicalities, once again...the broad strokes.

Naturally, these things are extremely hard to recognize given the circumstances, hence my own predicament(s) of which I find myself, though in truth...not much complaint can be given. I have been from second one, day one taken myself outside, and stayed there. Outside the situation, the feelings, and certainly the bs that's going on, and I fully intend on staying here, until the next time...whenever that may be. I have mourned my life, railed against falseness, and came out of it, even quicker than I usually do.
All because with all things, "semper protinus" or "always forward". In all things, you must keep going, and going forward, never back. If forward takes you to a familiar place or setting, enjoy it certainly, but don't go back just for the feel of the comfortable, the safe.

For me, I knew that my life was changing and would change even more since the day I died. I simply didn't know yet in what direction that it would take me, or how my life would turn out. Feelings after, of course, give me a hint but just the same as most people that have gone through the same, those particular feelings faded over time, especially given normal day to day life business. I still have no idea what all I was witness to that night, but vagaries have hinted that it was more than a 5 minute conversation with my daughter that would have been a heartbreaker, I'm sure :D.

But, to everything, there is a season and a reason...If I would have known, if I did know, my impatience and my tendency to meddle with "known knowns" would have got the better of me, and if things are truly going according to some plan, then...well, the most dangerous word in the English language is "oops" after all.

So, to you I say this. If your faced with a Choice, and you're not sure what to do. Stop! Stick your head up and look around, down to the horizon, down the road, around the corner. The answer's down there; all you have to do is seek it, sit back, enjoy the ride, and don't fuck it up! Now all you need is the courage to hold the course, stay true to yourself, and above all....hope.

Marriage...a treastise

Our modern concept of marriage has evolved from a few wildly different sources traditionally, but still has at it's heart, very ancient rites or rituals governing how the ceremony is covered, and the words exchanged.

In ancient times it was believed that the ceremony itself prevented you from speaking if you were not being fully truthful to the person you were pledging your being to. You would not, for instance be able to say "I Do", which was more of an "I Will" in such times. Of course, also during those times, there were not as many outside influences on relationships now, where far too many people are swayed by the opinions of others, life's trials, or the "Grass is Greener" mentality that states: "It is good here, but great there". Such influences and interfering up until very recently in this country, and still throughout most of the world is an offense punishable by death. Usually, stoning, exsanguination (you don't want to know where...) or caning.

So with the simple lack of outside motivation for the most part, it was simple for a marriage to be a lifelong affair, mostly do to a simple philosophy that those that know this author have heard hundreds of times: "Say what you mean, mean what you say!". Which means, for example, if you know that you might lie to me, don't ever say "I will always be truthful with you." Personally, I love that philosophy, because for me, if I say "I will walk 5 hours just to hold your hand for 5 seconds"...then have a spot picked out for those few seconds, because I'm on my way...on foot.

But maybe in these modern times, an antiquated person like myself has no place. Which seems likely, especially in this country, where the current sexual craze is to pick up married women. Especially preying on military couple where, after a years of a husband's deployment, the woman is very lonely. I had a friend once that called it "taking candy from a baby". Because, let's face it and be honest. No one is 100% happy all the time; not with themselves or with the one they pledged themselves to. It can be very easy to play off those tiny unhappiness's until they explode, leading to affairs or worse. Which, in this area as with most places with a high deployment rate, the state of mind when coming back from combat, and the level of training most have, is a death sentence usually. Doesn't even make front page news anymore. So, from a purely survival standpoint, it's a dumb move. And all my friends wondered why I was single when I was active....LOL. One last thing to worry about, but to quote military parlance...Jodi always gets your girl.

Somewhat back to point, marriage was more of a blending of hearts and minds, a merging of two into one, as evidenced by a few modern vows still spoken, whether they be Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, or pagan (any variety). It wasn't even remotely an institution as it is now, nor did it begin legally. Marriage does not logically belong to the law, or to be instituted, with a few notable exceptions fitting the modern era. Those being property (a house/home), and children. But then...to be married, to give of yourself to such a degree that your identity is associated with the other person isn't very logical. To a logical mind, that is. For us humans, our identity is very important to us, whether it is determined by the ebbs and flows of others opinions of us; ever changing depending on who's around. Or...if our identity is so set...so ingrained from our first breath, that to deviate a degree from that agitates us, or sets us to a bad mood, even down to the most compromising individual becomes intimidated by it.

But then...it does not change who we "ARE" essentially, it changes our "PERCEPTION" of who we are. Your identity doesn't change, even if your name does. Who you are is quite simply that...who you are. But it seems that 90% of the people that get married believe that they must change, to alter the person the were to become something that they aren't. I watched a couple dear friends of mine suffer that fate. One person became so drastically different from the day before they got married that I sincerely doubt I would recognize this person.

What marriage should do to a person, in my opinion, is make us "better", not "different". We become more aware of what we say, do, imply, etc. We start realizing just how our actions and words affect someone else on a personal level, and normally...strive to prevent it. But then, there's the age-old statement: "You only hurt the ones you love".

Alone, I have a tendency to "brood" one of my best friends used to call it, or to "soul search" to use my term. I am an introspective person by nature, it allows me to be brutally honest with myself on some things, and to realize what it is that I want, and what I don't want. I like it, but sometimes people think I'm being standoffish or even snobby, which just sounds hilarious if you really, truly knew me. But...having been married, I am able to shrug that off, because you are supposed to be there for the other person at any time, any day that they need. "NEED", not "WANT"....too different things, often misconstrued for the other. You "WANT" to go to the mall to look at shiny clothes at Hot Topic. You don't "NEED" to go. Unless you have no clothes at all, but last I checked in this state being naked at the mall is a crime! lol

So...I "WANT" to replace my prized katana that was stolen a few years ago, I just don't "NEED" to......yet.

With that said, your "WANTS" should become the others "NEEDS". And vice versa. You "NEED" to pay the rent, you "WANT" to rent a movie. Smart people call that priorities, the way of life, the way things are. Idiots call it grounds for divorce LOL. But then...if thats your opinion, scroll up and read this again, cause you were really never married to begin with.

So, marriage makes us better as persons, and doing so, brings us closer together, and binds us. It is supposed to bind us together in such a degree that no one but ourselves can break us, if even then. But...that's the difference between a "real" marriage and a "fake" one. The difference between the two is quite simple...if even one person isn't true to the other in some degree, then it's "fake", or even if the other isn't true to themselves. Speaking from personal experience, for example, if the other person has "urges" or "itches" or "triggers" that make them behave, talk, or act in a way that is destructive to themselves and their loved ones, it's going to be "fake" at some point.

For me...the modern term "marriage" isn't the end all, catch all of a relationship. It is the simple honesty, enjoying being around the other person no matter what you, or they, are doing because of the sheer enjoyment of the other's presence. Comfortable silences, reading in a park but not necessarily talking (See the last 2 minutes of Notting Hill for a great example), honest companionship with nothing to hide. Partnership, friendship, a.....traveling companion, to quote a good term. If it's with someone that has chosen to committ themselves to me, and has taken my name, life, love, and soul for their very own...

Then I would once again be the luckiest man in the world.

(I hope any of you have read this, considered it...feel free to leave some feedback on this one. It's not a rant, per se...but a musing, an opinion)

"Being in love is something you feel deep inside, balls to bone. No one can tell you you're in love, you just know it." - Oracle, The Matrix.

Bent but not Broken

So many people attempt to drag you down, or make your exisence miserable either bcause they can, or they want you to be as miserable as they are, or being simply sadistic. I have certainly had my fair share of this in my life, from friends, enemies, or ex's (current situation included).
So. My lights are going to be shut off, no much I can do about it at this moment, but hey...I've been known to make things work out somehow, I'm infamous for it among those that really know me. Hence the titleof this post. So...to that certain person out there living the life reserved for Jerry Springer, you will NOT break me, you will NOT drag me down, and you will most certainly NOT make me miserable.
For, you see, my brief unemployment has come to an end. And in a way that puts a smile on my face, and a chuckle in my voice. I will have the job/career I always wanted, that I have hoped for, and worked for. And I am one grateful SOB for it.
What helps a bit is also the knowledge that I possess...and the truth of things.

First Post!

So this is my first blog/post, whatever. The idea of this is mostly to put my thoughts/feelings down to share, or even for people to understand some of the things that go on in my head. It is somewhat amazing how sudden, life altering happenings can trigger such things, or make someone get off their ass and actually follow through with an old idea.
I had always meant to post up somewhere online certain things that are hard to articulate in speech, but life tends to get the best of you sometimes, and due to certain things that I am sure somewhere I'll address, I have more time on my hands than I have in years. And so, I pretty much quit drinking a decade ago, and I always wanted to go back to writing, here I am!
So an advance apology to some. If something I write or feel offends you, I both apologize and express that you do not have to agree with anything said, but if you feel the need to say something, keep it constructive and mature, please :)
With that being said......welcome to the ride.