Family, as I've said before, has always been a somewhat touch and go subject with me. I'm not used to a full time family, rather once that only comes together during holidays, funerals, and then goes back to angling that knife for a well timed back stab. Of course, I am speaking of my mother's side of the family, as my father's side of the family I largely have had little, if any, contact with since I was a kid...the exception being my baby sister. Even then we spent years apart, years I would give anything to have back. Speaking solely for myself, I feel that I have failed her in the past by not being there when she needed her big brother the most, though I didn't know it at the time...I tried and failed to find her years before I actually did, unfortunately. Which is why I am proud to call her husband my brother; he was there when I wasn't. Now she has a son of her own, my nephew Amir (Arabic for 'Prince'), who I have fallen in love with, without ever having met the little guy in person...something will be rectified within a month or so from the time I write this.
Kids and I are a complex issue, I admit. I like them, pretty much all ages, to be honest. I've taught them, trained them, hung out with them, been an example for them, both in military and civilian life. I generally think kids are funny, enlightening, and often have insights most adults lack...if those traits are encouraged! (Unfortunately, I've seen kids that are the opposite). In all honesty, I am very much like most adults, guys especially...I do want kids (to a point...I'll explain), I do want to pass on what I know, the lessons I've learned, and help at least some of the new generation to think for themselves :).
That being said, I admittedly can be standoffish somewhat with some kids, depending on their age...aloof might be the right word. Having lost my daughter has/had affected me in ways that I am still realizing, and even though I have come to terms with things, I do know that closure is somewhat of an illusion when a person loses a child, no matter the circumstances. Hence my very hardline approach to those that deliberately put their children in harm's way. Certain....circumstances that took place several years ago have made things easier, but the loss is there, just the pain has been soothed a bit.
Main thing is...I already have a child, I am a father. There's nothing that can change it, or the fact that for her entire life, she fought...and fought hard to live. Kaelyn could not have made me prouder in 24 years as she did in those 24 hours. Or what happened after my accident. I know that those that truly love and care for me want another grandchild/niece/nephew from me, but at least they understand and support my decision to not be worried about it. And I love them all the more for it :).
That all being said, there is a child, of my blood, that wants his uncle to come down. And his mother wants me around (been on me about it since I split from "psycho hobag"). I have found it important that if no proper examples were given of what to be, learn what not to be, and go from there. I've learned what not to be from father figures, and the uncles on my mother's side...and even how to not be a good brother. The trick of it, I think, is to figure out how to turn it around and make it mean something, because it doesn't mean anything, what's the point?
For my sister, I couldn't love her spazzy ass more if we grew up spending every day together, and regret the years we spent apart. In this, I think maybe....just maybe, I understand a little of the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality when it comes to absent relatives/children from the "patriarchs" of my family. (Dear God, don't get me started on pappap...lol). I think it's about fear...fear that you don't know how to start over, how to get past whatever happened, and fear that the care you show won't be reciprocated. Maybe that's why I have resisted moving, I don't know...I generally try to follow my heart in such things, but in this, I don't know why for sure. Maybe I just got tired of being a gypsy...All I know is that I miss my skinny, silly little sister that shares my weird sense of humor.
As for Amir...I love the little guy already, and my sister and her husband already know that I will make sure he's taken care of no matter what. But...I confess I want to watch him grow, be there for him, and make sure he has a confidante, an example, and someone beyond his parents that will love him and be there no matter what comes his way...even if it's with a "Gibb Slap"...lol.
Selfishly speaking, it is also a very appealing idea to be around a bunch of people with the same warped sense of humor, and abject goofiness that I have, even if it comes with the hefty price tag of the hottest state in the country...lol. But, as in all things...we'll how things go...one step at a time, and all that. Well...and hope that I don't fk it up...lol.
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